KNOWING IS NOT ENOUGH...
Hey folks... Sorry about pulling a disappearing act on y'all for a couple weeks there... Suffice it to say, I've been going through a major roller coaster ride with the Holiday's without Mom... It's not over yet because I typically bring in the new year with my Mom, Dad and 2 sisters... I can't wait for these Holidays to be over with!!!
So, what do I mean by "knowing is not enough..." Well, I know that I am a loving, caring, sweet, giving, friend, brother, son, uncle, snugglebug, etc... I just haven't heard other people share that with me. There is no replacement for hearing someone tell me verbally "I love you," or "you're really important to me," or "I am sooo glad you are in my life," or "seeing you really made my day." I am thankful that I know I have all of the above to offer, but I have been feeling needy lately... In need of some praise, attention, love, appreciation, recognition, adoration...
Well, ask and you shall receive... At the conclusion of my recovery meeting tonight, I had a friend who pulled me aside to chat with me... She took time to share with me about the challenges of her life and felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable around me. Another friend joined us for a minute and shared that no matter how I feel or where I am, I am "someone who springs into action, is action oriented and looks for the solution." What a high praise! I needed to hear that... First I haven't been feeling like a great example for anyone: as a Program Manager, as a Sponsor, as a Sponsee, as a Brother, as a Friend in and out of recovery, and just someone loving towards myself... Anyway, in the midst of this conversation, my Sponsor called to chat with me, joke with me and share with me how nice it was to talk to me and not play voicemail tag, how he is proud of me, and that I am doing great considering it being my first Holiday without Mom.
That 30 minutes spent after the meeting totally made the rest of my evening!!! Last night, I hunkered down and wrote down a few basic things I could do to regroup my withdrawn, self-loathing, self-destructive, languid, fatigued, somewhat depressed self... It is working a little at a time... All I need do is to keep it simple, easy does it, stay in the moment, place one foot in front of the other, pray for Thine will and mine be one, not to forget everything's all right (F.E.A.R.), and just remember that I had a successful day because I stayed sober!
How did my Holidays go? Here is a brief highlight... Christmas morning, I woke up at 5:30A to go to the Van Ness Recovery House and help cook and serve the residents of that house breakfast. We cooked eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, french toast and served juice, REAL coffee. That helped get me out of my selfish, self-loathing, self critical self til 9AM. It was very cool getting to be of service! I then napped til 1PM, when I woke and went over to my friend Richard's house (actually it was his friends place), joined by his boyfriend, his boyfriends sister and a couple other friends for a cozy christmast dinner... We watched a movie, drank virgin egg nog, sparkling cider and chatted and laughed... I went back home to sleep (yes, more depression) and went to a 10PM meeting at the West Hollywood Recovery Center. That was my day...
How did I want it to go? I wanted to be home in Bellflower, in the warmth of the livingroom, on the couch, watching Three Stooges or some other Holiday TV marathon event while the aroma of soup and deliciously authentic home cooking permeated the house... The rustling and clanging of kitchen utensils as Mom preps food and does her thing in the kitchen... My sisters would be around either sleeping or just lounging with me watching TV... Dad would just be mopin'around as well trying to figure out what to do with himself when he is not gambling... Then we'd get together for a meal... Now mind you we don't celebrate christmas, but certainly the feeling of christmas was there as the family came together to have freshly cooked seafood with a side of rice, steamed chicken with a side of rice, and delicious seafood broth with a side of rice... Laughing and using chinese play on words to talk dirty and laugh to the point of tears... There is sooo much more to tell, but do you get the feeling of how I have been spending my christmas holidays from as young as I remember up until 3-4 years ago... That is about 20 years of a repetitive tradition that has been broken...
I am thankful for my adopted family and the support group that I have around me, but it is going to take some getting used to and acclamating to these new traditions and new family and a new life... A lot more empty without Mom's physical being here... It's been hard... I have been very hard-headed and not accepting of all the blessings in my life because I want Mom, the family, and have things the way they used to be...
As a Minister shared, the truth about the past is that it is not in the present, unless I choose to drag it into the present. Currently, I am choosing to drag the wonderful past experiences into the present and feeling disappointed that I am not afforded another opportunity to experience the love, care, nurture of Mom's love... I am not staying in the moment and fully accepting of the gift of the present because some of that space is preoccupied and unwilling to let go of the past to make room for today's gifts...
I think I have done quite well considering it being my first Holiday without my natal family, without Mom and with the stresses from being a Manager, supervising some difficult subordinates, some unwilling sponsees, and a very inhospitable, perfection seeking, and unforgiving self... I continue reaching for the solution and in my friend Richard's words: lean into the struggle one moment at a time, one day at a time...
I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. I don't have to do this alone... There is a solution for me... Ask God for help to butt myself out of the way, help another person in and out of recovery, make myself useful to another fellow member of the human race, be loving, gentle, compassionate, tolerant and merciful to myself and others, stay clean and sober one more day, feel the feelings, share the feelings and take action and pick up the tools for there is indeed a SOLUTION!
I affirm to check in before the new year! Lots of love to you all... Thank you for your holiday cards, your phone calls, your e-mails and just amazing love... You are the very bridge that reminds me that I am someone who offers love, care, nurture, wisdom, experience, support as well as deserving of it from you... Thank you for embracing me and reminding me of what a beautifully perfect person just the way I am and just the way I am not.
Quoc.... mixture of melancholy, serenity, resigned, and gratitude...
DISCLAIMER ABOUT QUOCLAM.COM WEBSITE
The subject of my breaching one of the traditions from the recovery program I am a member of was brought to my attention. I am writing the following disclaimer about all contents expressed in this website that may be recovery oriented. Although much of the experience in my life is certainly recovery oriented, all content written and expressed on this website neither promotes, criticizes or represents the program of recovery. These journal entries are only opinions and experiences about the challenges, strife, achievements, success, and even the mundane activities, emotions and thoughts of one member of the human race, namely Quoc Lam. I write to share with my friends, loved ones, and new friends I have yet to meet about the journey that I am on... This writing is therapy for me...
Alas I digressed, please observe the following:
All written content on www.quoclam.com are only personal views and opinions of one individual: Quoc Lam. One of the traditions of recovery states that "our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films." The content shared does not represent, promote nor denigrate that of the program of recovery. Please take note of this when you read the journal entries. I am not here to praise and promote nor denigrate and criticize the views and teachings of recovery. I am only sharing the activities in my life, which so incidentally happens to revolve around recovery.
If you have any further questions or concerns about the content in this website, I welcome all e-mails and will take them into consideration. Thank you to all those that visit this website for your continued support and love.
Quoc Lam
Grateful member of the human race
EATING, SLEEPING, AND PEEING...
Eating, drinking lots of water, sleeping and peeing... That is about as exciting as my past few days have been! Argh!!! My cold took a turn for the worst over the weekend... I ended with a pretty severe fever on Friday evening... I was shaking sooo badly from feeling sooo cold in my fever-stricken body... My tonsils swelled up really bad, my whole body was aching... Moments like these allow me to be grateful for not living alone... My roomate gave me some advil and sudafed which totally alleviated the symptoms overnight.... I've been on a very slow ascent ever since...
My voice is a few octaves lower from my cold; my nose is runny yet stuffed up, my head is aching from just being in bed all weekend long... Coughing sucks because my lungs hurt from just hacking. There is sooo much congestion built up from everything above my neck I don't know what to do with myself! My temperature still is unpredictable... Golly this is a very very nasty cold I got!!! Ack...
Interesting how problems tend to shrink or minimize when one has a more pressing problem set precedent over the other like being under the weather! I feel oh sooo restless.. I have been trying to read The Four Agreements... There is a lot that I agree with... I've read the chapters on being "impeccable with your word" and "not to take anything personally." Very interesting.. I hope to finish the first read through of this book by evening's end... I realize I must be missing a lot of stuff from being under the weather and medicated!
That's pretty much it folks... Sorry... I will let you know more about myself when my body feels more up to speed with my spirit!
Happy early holidays to you all,
Quoc
SLIGHTLY OUT OF PHASE
Here is a depiction of how I have been feeling like in the past 2 weeks... As Star Trek Voyager's crew would identify myself as.... SLIGHTLY OUT OF PHASE... The addicted me and the TRUTH of who I am just not in sync with one another...
PICTURE DATED 12/12/05
Here is another picture of me and my tonsils... Well... I guess you can see more tongue than tonsils...
PICTURE DATED 12/12/05
Certainly not one of those days where I feel very pretty...
NOT STUPID... JUST CRAZY!!!
Ahhhhhh.... Nothing like the relief of one's obsession to use to lift off... This last challening bout lasted over 2 weeks... Lots of it stemming from these unfamiliar feelings from grieving over the loss of my Mom and change in who I am and identify as (a chinese man), and just really being mercilessly hard on myself. I've been feeling better since my prayer followed by a botched get together with someone who wanted to tweak and have sex with me... Talk about placing myself on a slippery slope of relapse... I didn't get a chance to share about it at my recovery meeting.... So, here I am doing this in the public view of everyone... Hmmm... This doesn't feel right exposing myself this much... Alas, thus the nature of an addict aye? So totally telling on my disease and exposing my secret to the sunlight of the spirit... In writing and reading this, I see the insanity of the brilliant ideas that go on in the space between my two ears. As the speaker shared, I am "NOT STUPID... JUST CRAZY!!!" I can sooo totally relate!!!
So, I must remember if I feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired... It's a sign for me to "H.A.L.T." and look at what is going on and how I may fill these voids in a healthy manner. Again, I am thankful for having luck in getting away from another possible opportunity to place myself in the presence of the disease. My lust for sex, validation, and just to feel good for a long long time really overcame that part of me that was whispering to me that the consequences of those hours of being high would possibly be oblivion...
Tonight's speaker sealed the deal totally brought me back on my feet again. I am glad that I stayed for one more meeting and stayed that extra five minutes long enough to feel the miracle of sobriety and recovery happen in my life again... I was listening to the speaker share about their sordid past... About using a big torch light (commercial grade) to light up the drugs... that if one put a flame to it and it melted, then they smoked it! I had that experience! About my sitting in the room high and watching for the guys at the place I was staying at coming in through a mirror placed on the floored angled just enough so I could see them come through the threshold of the main entrance so I could pull lubed up high out of my mind self together... I remember how strained my neck was from having to look back and forth from the porn to the mirror totally paranoid about them walking in on me high and jacking off and lubed up and dehydrated and smoking my tweak in their home... AND I HAVE BEEN ROMANCING THE ADDICTION IN THE PAST FEW DAYS THINKING I COULD JUST DO A HIT OR TWO AND NOT END UP WHERE I WAS...
Because I stayed, I got the opportunity to hear exactly what I needed to hear from my therapist and from the speakers at meetings to remind me that I am human; that I have feelings and those feelings don't have to be fixed; that I am an addict who thinks addictively when feeling joy, anger, or sorrow; that my disease has always been with me calling me degrading names and causing me to feel worse than the hardened blackened gum that has been stuck on the bottom of someone's tennis shoes for a long long time...
The speaker shared about some of the wildest dreams in their life finally coming true after many many years of sobriety... And the solution is to trust that I will receive what I think I need when I need it at the time that God knows that I am ready to receive it and appreciate it... What I get to do is trust that everything happens for a reason and in its own way and in its own time... That if I stay clean and sober just for today, then I am a winner!!! No matter how many sober mistakes I made!!! I am a winner because I did not pick up the drug or the drink...
Now I get to work towards spiritual awakening or walk towards relapse if I continue that behavior that is destructive towards others and myself. I heard the speaker share about being on the "groove train." About having been on the pink cloud all these years they have been clean and sober and feeling GOOD... They had felt bad for such a long time prior to coming into the rooms... What is the point of coming into the rooms of recovery to be miserable when I could be high and miserable... It's a choice... Am I choosing happy, joyous and free when I get to choose?
I heard the speaker share about people not willing to identify what happened when a bobble occurred in their lives.... If one is unable to identify what happened when one relapsed or did something inconsiderate, dishonest, shady... or if someone did things that led to ones feeling angry, resentful, sad, and negative... THEN IT'S LIKE A WAR... If I can't identify what happened that led to one's undoing, then it's bound to happen again... Sobriety is remembering of the challenging experiences one went through that led those who did not die or go insane into the rooms of recovery... In remembering these experiences by sharing about it, studying about it, and writing about it, it will keep one conscious enough not to let these chains of events from happening again...
The last thing I heard today from the speaker was the following question which totally sells me on identifying as an addict and alcoholic is: "If you wish you weren't, and you know you are... What is your second wish?"
I will have to write about this in my written journal tonight when I am in bed... I give thanks for God bringing these blessings in my life... I pray for God to continue to help me stay teachable; stay open-minded; stay willing; stay humble; stay in service; stay honest; stay in faith; see myself through God's eyes; respond to life the way God would want me to respond; not beat myself anymore than I would beat a newcomer up for making a mistake; be merciful, compassionate, loving, patient, and tolerant of myself as I would grant my fellow; to expect mistakes for that is what sews character and wisdom into my life; to celebrate this borrowed time that I have been graced with, knowing I should be dead or insane given all the things I did to myself in the past; and to just live on the "groove train" because this is a second chance at living LIFE that recovery has brought me...
What am I doing to celebrate my life today?
Glad to be ok in this given moment...
Quoc
PS - My tonsils are still swollen... I am seeing a doctor tomorrow to check it out... I will keep you posted on the results...
GARGLE WITH WARM SALT WATER...
Yes, I have swollen tonsils... I have had swollen tonsils since Thursday... It's very painful... As my sponsor told me, it must be really difficult deep throating with tonsils that big... I guess if you want a tight fit! Ok! Ok! I won't go there!!! Anyway, I don't know where the hell this came from... Of course I am a total hypochondriac so I go immediately to the worst case scenarios... that I have an oral STD. I did indeed have an oral sexual encounter with someone this past week (Wed.). My symptoms popped up Thursday evening... I dunno if the incubation time for an oral std such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis is that quick. The likelihood that it is an STD is probably not likely. It's probably me picking up some sort of throat infection from kissing or hugging or just being around someone who is sick... My co-worker is sick and I have been nervous about her unsanitary habits... I better just focus on getting better and not judge how I got it, otherwise, I can really start a good resentment... Anyway, my sponsor turned me away from his home and the sponsor sponsee step and traditions study because of the fact that I am sick and may be contagious. I really needed that meeting too! It's been a couple months since all of us have come together. Sigh...
Anyway, how have I been? I am sober today... I saw my therapist who helped me explore the fact that I don't have to do anything about a painful situation that I am going through.... I am feeling a lot of pain and disconnection from my natal family as a result of Mom not being around... I want a fix... I want to feel better... My therpist asked if I have given myself permission to be angry and feel sad without judging myself or needing to have a fix to it... Feeling the feelings when they arise is probably the best thing I can do when a feeling comes up with regards to this... He pointed out how I redirected myself to recovery work and stepwork and helping other people when feelings about my Mom and my family came up. My therapist suggested that possibly one may not be connected with the other... It's ok to just feel sad and angry and miss Mom and feeling a void because a long standing tradition of the 5 members of the Lam family (Mom, Dad, two sisters and me) coming together at big events like the American New Year and Chinese New Year hasn't been broken for 27 years or so! It has become a fundamental part of me, having a family to be close to and connect with and laugh with and just hear the chinese language spoken...
It's been 5 months since I've uttered any words of chinese because Mom is not around for me to talk to her. I imagine in a few years, more of my chinese will probably be lost due to lack of practice... I am sooo very saddened by this...
Things are going to be different. A whole legacy is gone just like that... Life is indeed sooo very very fragile. I am having a very very challenging Holiday. Just this past week, I have tried to fill that void by acting out sexually, sleeping, but I've managed to balance it out with work, my meetings, working with my sponsees and my sponsor and being of service.
I remember sharing with my therapist about the garden at Mom's former home (now Chin's house). I shared about how the plants in the backyard just won't stop growing... I smiled because I know that growth can't come from nurture and care from my sister... There has been no attention given to the garden since before Mom got hospitalized (about a year now). The growth of all these eatable vegetables comes from years of care and nurture from Mom... She has nurtured this garden since 1979/1980 up until late last year. That is 24 years of nurture and care... The love and care that Mom transferred into the plants and the earth that she worked and walked on continues to thrive and grow... I believe it's the spirit of Mom that wills the garden in continuing to grow and thrive and persist and resist being extinguished.
The therapist related the garden to me... That I am also another object of Mom's affection, love and care and that is where I draw strength from to persist and resist extinction and self destruction... I made plans to relapse this past week. I spent a moment praying for God's help in lieu of the plan being made real. Yet another miracle happened... I was spared another opportunity to get high, awaken the Lion's Den, the craving of the body for drugs, a few moments of possible sexual bliss, and then oblivion.... I am thankful for yet another reprieve from that fate just for today...
So, I continue to heed and honor my sponsor's words of staying vigilant in this difficult and challenging period of my life... I am thankful I continue to find the courage to be rigorously honest with myself and tell on my disease when it has a plan to sabatoge my life. I am thankful that I have a power greater than myself and my disease to maintain sobriety and my continued efforts in residing in that space where I see myself through God's eyes and the eyes of those people who love me, care for me as well as accept and embrace the love and care I have for them...
Progress not perfection, just for today....
Quoc
Sober 2 years 6 months and 3 weeks...
12/4/05 CHECK IN
Sorry folks... Not feeling very creative today... Lots going on internally and externally... I caught myself doing something consistently: lying... Basically, what I have been doing in conversations with my sponsor and other people is to say what I think you want me to say and will make me look good/better than I really am... I affirm to tell the truth and if I don't tell the truth the first time around, to be willing to catch myself and correct myself promptly after telling my lie...
I burst into tears this past Friday at my recovery home group meeting. Apparently, I felt safe enough to share exactly what was going on... The fact that I am mourning over my mother's loss once again; that I was beating myself up for wanting to trade a moment with my mother for all the people in the fellowship who have come up to me and supported me and loved me... The fact that I feel like a total loser for a sponsee and a sponsor... It's frustrating getting sponsees who are unwilling to do the work... I feel responsible for not being clever enough to say something that will motivate my sponsees to do the work with fervor and diligence and excited about the prospect about getting better.
This weekend, I completed my list of character defects along with the opposites and listing the current examples of defects that I carry and being able to see and act on the opposite character asset!
I picked up another commitment... I now have 5 firm commitments... I feel a bit overwhelmed actually and almost feeling recovery burn-out... I may have to take a step back... My car is full of recovery literature... I am committed to 5 meetings from my 5 commitments... I haven't really made time to make friends but instead I go to meetings and stay on the outskirts of saying hello and giving hugs and not really taking time in hanging out with people and getting to know them and allowing them to know me....
I had a great visit with my therapist today... We talked about how I take blame and responsibility for EVERYTHING (especially when anything and everything goes wrong). I also am afraid of telling the truth for fear that the truth will lead you to believe that I am worthless, unwanted, undesired, and unnecessary... I will be abandoned and thrown away... We got to talk about why I am having a difficult time working through the steps.. I have this feeling that the more I work the steps, the more I am revisiting with the same feelings and experiences as what I have in the past... The feelings of disappointing those I idolize; the feelings of taking blame for everything and being responsible for everything that goes wrong; the feelings of things really are not getting better despite all my efforts.. That I am still in pain...
My therapist also brought up the notion of why not just accept things as exactly the way they should be and that I am not the effector of all consequences and results... That there isn't necessarily a point of origin (especially not from me) when something goes well or doesn't go well... It just is and that is all there is to it as opposed to my obsession in finding the origin of all things and allocating accountability to them...
It's been a very very very very difficult holiday... on Saturday, as I was watching people take cakes for their sober anniversaries, I thought of what I would say in 6 months when I take a cake for 3 years... I would dedicate my sobriety to my mother, who is there in spirit to give it to me, my friends who have passed on, Dalton, Roland, Steve, and others who have died as a result of this disease...
I heard the very thing from the main speaker share... "We are not saints..." That if I messed everything up today, but managed to stay clean and sober, then the day was not lost because I have an opportunity to make amends to it and learn from the mistake in the next day to come. I have to remember to appreciate the progress that I make one day at a time... That if things are a little better than they were the day before and if I did indeed learn from my experiences in the day before, then that in itself is a success!!! I don't have to do everything perfect... I don't have to do everything the way my sponsor says it should be done... I have to remember that I am doing all this work to save my own life and my sobriety; no one else! That as much as I am mad at my sponsor, I must remember he is also another recovering member with character defects and a sponsor as well.... That he is human prone to mistakes!
I am responsible for taking care of myself.... Sharing honestly about my feelings... Not beat myself up for making a mistake... To be able to see the message and look beyond the attitude and personalities and really listen and watch for the message and the principles and lessons behind each communicae that I am in touch with....
It's been hard for many people besides myself... I remember how blessed I am for having food in the refrigerator, life saving meds, my health, a car to drive, some money to spend, loving support group who extend and accept love and support, willing self, loving, tolerant, merciful and compassionate God, my sobriety, arriving to all destinations safely, opportunity to be of service to those in need of rides to their homes and kept out of the blistering cold weather, a warm bed that I can sleep in, and another day full of wonderful lessons and messages that I may use to apply towards trudging through another glorious day. Finally, I am grateful that I have a venue where I may feel safe enough to burst into tears and receive love and support and the attitude of I am not alone and I don't have to do it alone mentality...
Thank you God for bringing sooo many gifts of life and today, the clarity to see these things in my life... To feel the feelings and share the feelings and reach out for help and stay in action...
Just for today...
Quoc
