GRRR... ATITUDE! NOT GRATITUDE...
Hey, I am all moved in but not all unpacked... Looks like this will take awhile to unpack and even longer to turn this studio into a "HOME." A home that makes me smile from the inside out...
I just recently got linked up with the internet... I am swamped at work and have little time to do leisurely activities... I do have a long weekend and will take time out to reply to e-mails and give you folks an update as well as share pictures with you of my new pad...
In the meanwhile... I just wanted to check in... Let y'all know I am ok... I am sorry I have been a little aloof and withdrawn... There have been a lot of feelings going on lately...
- I just moved in 10 days ago...
- I celebrated my 31st natal (uterus, bellybutton) birthday on the 19th...
- Tomorrow, August 23 marks the 4th year since I was diagnosed HIV positive...
- I have over 70 days clean and sober again, one day at a time.
- I am adjusting to being alone at home...
- I am learning to accept God's order of business of opening up a space for me before I get the material item to fill it... Like the last place I lived in I got the bedroom before the bed, I got a parking space before a car... One can imagine if I got the stuff first before the space opens up... I am experiencing the same feelings of having open space, but having no full size refrigerator to fill food with.
- I am frustrated with just having enough to fulfill my needs and having no cushion for emergencies or even money for treats for myself. God is giving me what I need... I want a lot more and I want it now or sooner! Sigh...
- I miss Mom...
- I am finishing up my 8th step and will be embarking upon the 9th step...
So, these are some feelings I am going through without deluging you with verbal diarrhea. I will do that in a couple to three days... Just lots of feelings...
Prayers are good... Love is good... Reminding me not to have a bad attitude when I express my gratitude... In doing so, there is no gratitude.... As my friend shared with me... Is it just my mouthing off the gratitude with a growls?
I will start doing my daily list of 10 things I am grateful for... I will generate a list of things I've done today that I am proud of myself about. I will be of service and get out of myself... I will practice BNQ... Being Nice to Quoc... To extend love, compassion, tolerance, mercy and patience with others AND MYSELF!!!
Once I have a little money and get my place together a little more, perhaps I will have a little housewarming as suggested by my Lesbian Mom... Or is the idea that I should have a housewarming so I can get some stuff for my simple, bare home? I dunno... I am sooo stubborn and unwilling to ask for help and accept gifts from people... I know! I know! The defects I am practicing are arrogance, prideful and socrekeeping... Too proud to look like I am poor and independent!
Well, I am poor and a little dependent! And with the scorekeeping... This is my defect, not others who want to give/show me love without expectation that it needs to be returned... I think the very reason why people want to do nice things for me and love me is because I am loveable and have given love...
Ok... so much for keeping this blog brief.... For all who have called and e-mailed me and haven't received a reply... I will do so by the end of this week!!! Thank you for your patience...
Wish me luck for the site visit by the funders for my programs who are coming out to evaluate our progress!!! I have a lot of reading to do tonight... It's already midnight... Argh!!!!
Niters,
Quoc
MOVING A LITTLE CLOSER TO GOD!
So, folks, this will be my last blog on the first floor unit of this apartment... I will be temporarily off-line until my internet is activated in my new home on the 15th of August. I sat and thought about the 2 years I've lived in this room. I had flashbacks of sleeping in the air mattress that deflated and I'd end up on the floor by the morning. I had memories of Mom napping on the floor of the room when she came over to visit. The very bed I am sleeping in was purchased by Mom... I really miss Mom...
Anyway, I am going off-line... The next time you get this message, I should be blogging from the 3rd floor, a little closer to God than my current resident. I am thankful for all the peeps that are here to help.
GOTTA GO! THE TROOPS ARE HERE TO HELP ME MOVE!
Quoc
PRE-MOVE IN COLD FEET?!?!
Eek! On the eve of my official move into my studio, I am totally getting some pre-move in jitters... I can't stay out of the negativity of my place and all the reasons that I didn't think of in consideration of moving in... The studio is either getting smaller with every passing day or I am getting fatter! I haven't even moved in yet, I've only unpacked a couple things that was left behind for me from the last tenant and the studio seems filled to capacity already. The sun glares in the evening through those ugly partition blinds. The bathroom is not completely cleaned up... The place is really small! I barely have enough room to place a desk, a bed, and a couple book cases... I am afraid that I am gonna turn this studio into a replica of my old home in Bellflower... cluttered, mismatched...
Suffice it to say, there are some major feelings and frustrations... It goes deeper than that... Yesterday, I caught myself acting like Andrea (Anne Hathaway) in the Devil Wears Prada when she was still new. Instead of just working hard to learn the trade and being professional and patient, she complained the whole time and didn't put her best foot forward. One of my Manager's walked in to check on me because he was distracted by my constant complaints while working on a report that required a lot of tedious work. I was whining, making high pitched squeals, etc... oh God!!! It's sounds worse now that I am putting words into what I was doing! How embarrassing.
It got worse, I then got irritable and a little curt with the colleague who was assisting with building a temporary database system to assist with tabulation of statistics for the report I needed to do. While I was watching him work, I did a quick evaluation and self check in and realized that I was misdirecting my anger and rage toward him because I felt stupid and incapable of doing what he was doing. I was going about things the hard way. I UNREALISTICALLY expected me to be able to do what he was doing even though I don't have the proper training to do what he was doing...
Lastly, I feel I was acting unprofessionally while on a break (after business hours, I should've been off) while a co-worker was trying to work around in my vicinity. I was on the phone and just really distracting my co-worker trying to conduct the busienss of calling people about their STD results!
So, I could nurse on these mistakes and call myself a mistake and beat myself up and berate, belittle, and label myself as being one big MISTAKE! I could focus on all the negativity...
OR I could focus on the perfection of the progress that I made. All the growth I made from yesterday's lessons. In the first instant with my whining... I am whining about doing what I am getting paid to do. I get to check myself and start over with a better attitude.
With the case of my being curt with my co-worker, I was able to catch my actions and stop it from progressing and making matters worse. I was able to recognize and identify that my actions were a result of misdirected anger... I was angry at myself and being inconsiderate of myself and unrealistic with expectations of myself... Instead I get to focus on that fact that I was doing the best job I could've done given the experience, skillset, and knowledge that I had. I could've been grateful and accepting of the help that was offered and that the project was now on it's way to being completed!
With the case of my behavior unbecoming of a manager and co-worker, I was able to catch my mistake after and promptly apologize and follow up with a genuine apology and promise that whatever transpired would not happen again in the future. That is a true amends! Not only apologizing for the inappropriate action, but to take action in changing that behavior! As my hold high school theater teacher said, don't apologize because an apology doesn't do much except recognizing a wrong was done... Just say, "Thank you, I'll fix it." I took the high road and apologized and made a promise to change that behavior.
With all of the above, I should be proud of the progress made that I even caught the mistakes while they were happening or shortly after they occurred! I didn't need someone to bring it to my attention. I was not in denial. I even made amends where amends were called for! I went to a meeting and shared about my feelings and fears with the intention of integrating solution into the message for the newcomer. That's success! These are the growing pains of living life and benefits of staying sober; not the dying pains of someone who can't unwrap his lips around the crystal meth pipe while withering away. This is the hope and TRUTH that my Higher Power hopes that I see.
This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful... It controls me when I don't recruit the help of my Higher Power and the army of loving, compassionate, tolerant, merciful, and supportive people that are in my life. Today, I affirm to share honestly and reach for help. Today, I affirm not to outgrow human! As much as I want to be promoted to God or demi-god, the likelihood of it happening probably not very high... I don't think God is gonna resign his job anytime soon...
Quoc
A PLACE TO CALL MY OWN...
So, as of tonight, 8:00P, Tuesday, August 8, 2006, I am proud and excited to announce that I have a home I get to call my own, on a monthly basis of course! I have my own home!!! It hasn't really felt like anything... It's been a few months of praying, staying in the moment, and just trusting God to place me where I need to be to learn what God is there to teach me in life...
I signed the lease, wrote a check for the month of August 2006 and received my keys and assigned parking space. I couldn't really walk in and take a look and bask in the place I am going to be moving into in less than a week because the utilities are turned off... I came downstairs and called the Department of Water and Power and requested for the electricity to be turned on in my studio unit. I also called the gas company to schedule for the technician to turn on my pilot. In this instant, I had just realized that I have never had anything related to real estate property placed in my name... My name attached to the bill of rent of home, of electric, of gas... I am sure in a few months, it will turn out to be one of those darn chores of paying bills that I will get to do on a monthly basis, but right now, in this given moment, I am sooo excited that I have something I get to call my very own!!!
I can't wait to bake my first batch of cookies... So who cares if I don't have a refrigerator, microwave, toaster, dining table, or even a couch!!! It's just like when I moved into my current one bedroom situation... I was sleeping in an air mattress for the first couple to three months in an empty room... I had a parking space, but no car to park in that space... My life is sooo much richer because I continue to live it...
God has given me what I need... I continue to grow exponentially whether I feel it or not... Highlights today are my lesbian Mom called me to check in with me and offer her support in my moving process. I also received a call from a friend I met at the convention who will be coming out to help me move the bigger pieces of furniture. I even received an e-mail from a long lost high school classmate that I was steadfast friends with... In her e-mail, she detailed some things about over a decade and half ago, but certainly not lost because I totally remember everything she shared... I probably wouldn't be able to bring up all the memories she's managing.. It could be because I've burned those memories up from smoking and doing sooo much drugs and abusing my body! EEK!!! Thank God I have some brains left to work with!
I feel excited about this transition into a new home... I have an amazing framework for an incredible support group... I need only now nurture this support group and circle of friends I have... I have been giving love and support freely and generously... I have also been trying hard to be loving and gentle and generous with compassion and patience with myself... This has been a struggle, but I have a long history of self abuse and arrogance of holding myself to perfect standards to live up to and trying to be God... I don't need to be God... I need to remember BNQ!!! Be Nice to Quoc!!!
I am taking a moment to recognize my accomplishments despite setbacks... This relapse has been integrated into my life and is being used as a tool to promote and drive me forward even stronger!!! The obsession to use has been lifted and I am getting regrounded with myself and my higher power... I have 95% of my 8th step completed... I need only fill in the details of the harm that I have done to myself: the vicious negative attack thoughts that I do to myself, my taking in drugs and poisoning my body, my not accepting the love of other people because I don't feel I deserve it, for having unprotected sex in the past and resulting in my HIV infection, my unrealistically high expectations of myself to be perfect, my being a miser and not treating myself to things, activities, people and treats that I enjoy and like...
It was really hard generating this list of harms I have done to myself because in the 9th step, I believe that I did such horrible things that I don't deserve self forgiveness, a second chance at life, and to fall in love, to be loved as a son, brother, cousin and friend, and to receive support and gifts and other peoples time, money, conversations... I can't wait for that moment when I cross that threshold of completing the ninth step and being able to look the world in the eye squarely and feel completely on an even keel with the world and feel I don't owe the world, myself or other people any more apologies for what I've done, who I was, and the harm I caused. I can't wait to be liberated from that bondage of self hate, guilt, shame, and punishment for actions done in the past that have not been "righted" yet.
God, please help remind me to keep an attitude of gratitude and to remember Thine Will and mine be One.
Quoc
GROWING PAINS vs. DYING PAINS
Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile folks! Life is in session!!! There has been much that has been going on in my life... Someone broke it down for me really well... Kinda like what I did with my therapist whenever I would check in with him and feel overwhelm... He would do a checklist validating that my feelings are justified:
1) I am moving into my own home (studio) in about a week...
2) I will be living alone and my own for the first time ever!
3) I have been really busy with work... I along with my co-trainers successfully trained new HIV Testing Counselors on Client Centered Counseling skills... This was a first!
4) I am still pretty new to sobriety again eventhough I believe I am pretty much right back on the wagon again!
5) I have changed up a lot of my meetings and meeting new folks and adjusting to a new schedule.
6) I am still dealing with some feelings that arise from my parents passing away in the past year.
7) I am working on completing step 8 and will be preparing to start on actually making amends to people I have harmed (step 9).
8) I am really making progress in learning to set boundaries and take care of self and not people please so much.
9) I have been seriously contemplating and taking some steps to seek out jobs that pay more than I am currently getting paid... I am currently egregiously overworked, under-recognized, undercompensated and just really frustrated with the incredibly low morale of the Department. As I get more sober and start to love self, I am starting to find certain environments and certain behaviors unacceptable to me... Rather, I can choose to remove myself from people, places and situations that are unhealthy for me. I have been tolerating it and subjecting myself to these conditions... Again, I am thankful for these things in my life because these people, places, and situations are teaching me life lessons I wouldn't learn if I weren't in it.
The speaker from this past weekend said it so eloquently about what my focus is on... Is it on seeing the beauty of the growing pains that I have while in sobriety compared to the dyings pains that I was suffering from while I was in my addiction. The speaker also shared about the significance of staying sober one more day; that is so it opens the opportunity for the miracle to happen... I continue staying sober so that I can be there for the miracle to happen in my life and to be present for the miracle to happen in other people's lives.
Just checking in briefly... God there is sooo much life going on... I may be off-line from 2 - 3 weeks as I get everything set up in my studio such as turn on my gas/electric, get phone working, internet set up and getting settled into my home... I will be sure to take pictures and share with you when I get settled into my new home... It's a very very small studio, but it'll be all mine on a month to month basis! My prayer of having a place where I get to bake my own cookies has come true!!! I am sooo excited!!! I am sooo anxious!!! I will be living paycheck to paycheck with no room for emergencies nor any room for any trips or vacations in the near future... The pay off is that I will have a place of my own to experience independence like I have never before...
I would like to move only things I need and make it a clutter free home... God, please help me not recreate the home that I grew up in... Please help me create a home that I would be comfortable with inviting God, my parents, a date, friends and family to come and visit in... God help me...
I need help moving... If you are local and available on Saturday, August 12, 2006... I will be spending the day moving the bigger pieces of furniture into my new home... Basically it is a TV, full bed, two book cases, one trunk, little refrigerator, the table that I do my work on, and a bunch of boxes of stuff that I am hoping to continue to minimize as this week progresses... Please contact me if you can help.. If you don't have my phone number, please e-mail me for it... I need help. I am asking for it...
Thank you ahead of time for continuing to help me along my journey!!!
Quoc
