RE-EVALUATION OF LIFE...
I spent today, Wednesday, April 26, 2006 recuperating from the past week's activities... I took time to take care of myself and just to regroup and recharge myself... I don't know if that was a good decision... The time is 9:07P... I am hurting really bad right now... I feel frustrated, lonely, alone, unattractive, less than, undesirable, hopeless, restless, melancholy, helpless, desparate, and flat out ungrateful...
I spent one full day with me!!! Wow... There is still some work to do, because man am I down on myself from spending time with me... I had a good day, met someone for breakfast by the beach, ran some errands, and went to watch a movie... Either it's just not a good idea for an alchoholic/addict like myself to spend a full day with/by myself or this is a good indication of where I am with how I think and feel about myself... Not all that great yet... Thankfully there is room to grow...
So, the subject of my parents passing away came up for a brief moment.. I commented on how each death changed my perception and projection of how to live life...
When Mom passed away so suddenly, I immediately felt compelled to work really hard to be successful and to just be of service and go go go like the energizer bunny... I had the mentality that I don't know when I am gonna get sick and drop dead at any given moment with no warning whatsoever...
Then this past week with Dad passing away, my interpretation of how to live life changed. Now I have the feeling about what activities and feelings I am bringing into my life with each passing moment... Dad was ill for a long time and was not autonomous... For the lack of a better phrase, he literally couldn't scratch his own ass... I have been feeling like I have been working really hard for months, but what for??? Am I taking that moment to pause, breathe, look around at the world around me and smell the roses in a garden or the coffee before I slug it down? Am I enjoying the life and living it the way I want to so that there are no regrets if and when it is my time to make the transition from living in the human embodiment to something/somewhere else???
In spending today alone, I gave myself an opportunity to take in all that has happened in the past week, past month, past year... What a year it has been! Unfortunately, I went downhill.... Perhaps this is exactly what I need... I have been sooo into solution and sharing solution in the meeting rooms and staying in gratitude and being of service that I didn't take a moment to take a reality check... To genuinely ask myself how am I feeling in this given moment? Not how should I be feeling or what should I be doing about the feeling, but honestly, HOW AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE ON?
Honestly, I am sad, a little scared, lonely, and feeling very very helpless and small and frail... I will continue taking the action, but I really feel it behooves me to check in with someone about how I authentically feel at any given moment without feeling judged or told what to do or how I should feel or worst yet, them turning the tables and making this moment about them... Currently, I have my therapist who gives me an opportunity to share what is going on...
I would love to have a friend who will listen and give me "client centered friendship." :-) I don't know if this is a lot to ask for... I guess if need be, before I share with someone, I need to preface by asking and requesting that I need them to lend their shoulder and ear and not their mouth and mind. What am I willing to do to take care of myself? I work really hard at honoring others.. I really forget about me...
It's ok to say no to others and yes to me. It's ok if they choose to take it personally and read it the wrong way... It's totally ok... Their reality and reaction is not about me.... My own reality and perception and reaction is my responsibility and is all about me...
So, I am at a crossroads... Perhaps there is a lot of clarity going on right now, but I am just not seeing it through all the smokescreen that I am creating... Perhaps the answer is yes to the reactions for both my parent's deaths. To work really hard and be diligent and ambitious, but also to take a moment to smell the roses and apppreciate the beauty around me.
It is sooo very appropriate to bring up the quote that I heard from a speaker a few weeks back: "SUCCESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT. HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE."
I need only stay sober one more day and moreso to stay HONEST about where I am and how I feel; to be OPEN-MINDED to solutions outside of myself and trust that there is a greater picture that I don't quite see yet for why what is happening to me; and lastly to have the WILLINGNESS to take action, suggestion in being of service to other people as well as myself... HONEST, OPEN-MINDED AND WILLING... To Thine Own Self Be True... SERVICE, UNITY AND RECOVERY. The Serenity Prayer. These are the things that are on my 2 year chip... These are the things to remember when I start losing sight of myself and my purpose...
Thank you all for your continued love, support, thoughts, prayers, phone calls, hugs, and kind words for my family and myself... We wouldn't have been able to walk through these challenging weeks without the communion of love.
Thankfully,
Quoc
DAD'S FUNERAL...
It's 11:33P... I am less than 12 hours away from the final part of the funeral where we will pray, burn more money (make believe money) and other things for Dad to take into the spirit world, and finally transport the casket with his remains to his final resting place at Rose Hills.
Dad past away at 12:11AM, Saturday, April 15, 2006... Yes, 11 minutes after good Friday. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster to say the least all of Friday, April 14, 2006 until he expired.
Today, Monday, April 24, 2006, we (my two sisters, extended family and myself) prayed from 3P - 5P to send Dad off... There are sooo many rituals, of getting up, bowing, then getting all the way down to the ground to bow, then back up, walk around, light incense, pray and meditate, then pour tea, then hold bowl of food to send Dad off, then more walking around, incense, praying, bowing and kneeling for a very very long time.... It wasn't as emotional as Mom's funeral. There were some people who were very very emotional.
I only invited a couple people to the funeral tomorrow.It was because they made themselves available to attend. I didn't invite any to come today; I thought it was a closed event. I am sure if I asked others to come that they would totally come in support of me. I am satisfied knowing my family and myself are in their thoughts and prayers and do extend support and love. That is a whole lot!!!
Anyway, tomorrow is when I will share a bit at the podium about Dad... What do I say? Remembering the times when my sis and I were very young and heard Dad's stories of the "Bird Goddess." Hearing him tell us stories of tigers and other creatures. Knowing what Dad represents, that which is human, not without his character defects but certainly have qualities that I seek to uphold for the rest of my life: that is unconditional love and sacrifice for his family. He protected us from getting punished by Mom more often than not. He did have a very gentle spirit about him. I find myself hiccuping like him... I find myself burping like him. These are the very things I carry within myself that came directly from Dad. Dad was a simple man and really did't seek a whole lot. He was happy when the family was happy.
We ended the evening with a family trip of 20+ people to a buffet dinner in West Covina... We all gormandized ourselves!!! I literally stuffed myself to the point of having a stomach ache from being sooo filled up with food!!! I sat at the table with my baby sister and young cousins... We acted like kids and laughed and giggled and really hammed it up... We celebrated the unity of a family and comaraderie... I heard the laughter from the next table of my sis, her boyfriend, his parents, and the friends and family... They seem to enjoy the experience immensely... We shared stories and just capitalized on an event that brought the family together again for a moment to celebrate and celebrate unity... It was nice... I enjoyed myself immensely...
In the midst of this loss, there has been tremendous gain and successes in my life!!!
Here are some of them:
1) Within the past couple months, I have noticed my prayers coming true.. "seeing self through God's eyes"... and extending love, compassion, mercy and tolerance to myself and others... having the ability to manage life with grace and not stumbling through it... seeing the "perfection in my progress"... willing to take risks and make mistakes and grow!!!
2) getting to work on replacing my defects of characters with my character assets and noticing the marked difference in myself as a result of taking action that is contrary to my addictive, self centered, self seeking, self absorbed, self loathing, self righteous self! I get to be of service, tolerant, generous, etc (over 40 assets I get to work on every month or so!). What a huge gift this has given me in the past two months!!!
3) in the past week, I was nominated as best speaker and said to have delivered a speech that is competition worthy for Toastmasters! It is as a result of my experience sharing in recovery rooms as well as taking a chance and sharing from the heart.
4) Completing a week long training module that gives me the opportunity to train HIV testing counselors on client centered counseling and application of these tools and skills! After completing this training, being told by a trainer I deeply admire and respect that I have a natural talent for giving presentations and have a commanding presence up in the front of a room when presenting! Wow!!!
5) Getting to manage a program that was going to end and with great leadership and an awesome team, turning the program 180 degrees and capturing the funding providers attention enough to renew our contract for another 2.5 years! I just help secure the jobs of my Staff!!! I am sooo proud to have this success under my belt! All I am doing is suiting up and showing up and being of service and do the best of my ability what I am getting paid to do and being thankful for that opportunity!
6) Getting to interview for a position within the Department that is very high profile and feel confident and ease with my skill level to manage the 3 contracts and 2 programs!!! I felt sooo very confident walking into the interview and showed respect and courtesy for my supervisors and dressed up for the interview. Yes!!! I don't know if I will get the job; either way, I am very very very proud of myself for doing the best job and putting my best foot forward and a genuine foot forward. I am not just making things up to impress people to hire me. I am actually presenting genuine skills that can be applied to running a successful program.
7) Getting to show up for the graduation of someone I am helping walk through the 12 steps. What a huge gift that is!!! I am sooo honored, privileged and humbled to get to be a part of this individuals life and get to work with this person in keeping my sobriety.
These are just some of the HUGE things that have been happening in my life. What has allowed for all these things manifesting itself? Diligently applying all the tools of the program of recovery to my life on a daily basis to teh best of my ability. Really appreciating the gifts of my life today and not just project about things that I want. Being forgiving and merciful for myself and willing to dive in and make mistakes and grow and learn...
Know that a lot of the things I do are not about curing cancer... It is another link in the greater scope of life... But it is not the keystone to anything that will crumble if I don't do it perfectly. The keystone and touchstone that I must maintain perfecttly one day at a time is not pick up the drug or the drink just for today; one day at a time.
I can look in the mirror and see the beauty within myself that sooo many people around me see. Wow! Having the ability to see beauty in myself and in others.
I end today's entry with a quote I heard that resonates really loud within my heart and soul... "SUCCESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT... HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE..." Today, I want what I have and in appreciating the haves, I lend myself more room to receive the gifts from just showing up, being of service, giving very freely what was so freely given to me, and remembering that happy and sad moments will continue to exchange hands throughout the day everyday.. I need only take action that is in sync with my Higher Power.
I love my life today... I am thankful for the opportunity to continue to grow... I embrace the excitement from getting to grow into something that can be GREAT! I can be someone great... I may yet live up to the name my mother gave me... Overseer and Caretaker of a Country...
I wouldn't be where I am without the support of an infinitely loving and powerful Higher Power and support group that circles the bandwagon and loves me loves me loves me!
In the spirit of love and service,
Quoc
1 AH... 1 UM... 5 YOU KNOWS...
1 "Ah", 1 "Um", and 5 "You knows." This is the result of the evaluation of my first Toastmasters speech! I did a 4-6 minute ice breaker speech. The topic I chose was "gratitude for what I have." I shared about feeling apart from and not grateful for what I had... I shared about how Mom influenced my being apart. I shared about Mom passing away in May 2005. I shared about my getting to show up for her when she was ill... Taking the suggestions from my support group and taking action that is contrary to my natural behavior: being of service; thinking about another person; saying I love you; I am sorry; I am proud of you; of all the women I got for a Mom, I got you; I shared the love and support given to me by my support group. I shared about being grateful for what I have. Others seeing beauty in me when I couldn't see it in myself. I shared about Dad passing away this past weekend and how it was less painful to go through the motions while feeling the feelings.
I shared a last line: success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you have. That is a huge gift... I want what I have today... I am very grateful for what I have.
Anyway, I kept it within 4-6 minutes; I believe I touched on the big stuff... I never realized I said "you know" repetitively. What a valuable lesson to learn! I am proud of myself for having the gonads in taking a chance and sharing and willing to practice!!!
All and all... I believe I did really well... I am thankful for that!
Quoc
LETTING GO OF DAD ON GOOD FRIDAY…
It was 10:58A, a little over 12 hours ago, when I received a phone call from my sister informing me of Dad’s decision to be taken off the ventilator… I left work and went to the hospital to be with Dad and support my Sis… I got to show up and have a conversation with Dad… Hold his hand and confirm with him his decision. I communicated very clearly to him that this decision is his and whatever it is that he decides on we will be supportive of him.
The time is now 11:47A… I will be leaving shortly to pick up my baby sister and driving us to the hospital in Lakewood where she will have an opportunity to say good bye to Dad. I am sad, glad, relieved, frustrated and certainly feel POWERLESS over different aspects of the current circumstances…
The decision has been made to turn off the ventilator today… I have never witnessed the expiration of anyone yet. I don’t know what the experience is going to be like. What I know is that that family is going to be together again for this moment when Dad makes the transition… His wife and life partner will there in spirit; his children are all there to support him with unconditional and unwavering love.
In this instance, I am at a lost for words… I am just gonna show up, be of service, feel my feelings and not withhold them, and be in commune with the family one more time… I show up with the understanding that God is indeed handling everything in my life as well as everyone else’s today… God does not need my help. I need only show up, do the work and stay out of the results. I trust that things are going to be ok… I step forward in faith and continue to “walk through the doors that are open.”
I will check in with you later and give you news of how it all turns out… I am thankful to be clean, sober and present for really important moments like this… I conclude with one last thought… My lesbian Mom just shared with me that one of her friends just gave brought a newborn into the world yesterday… How appropriate to have perspective on the circle of life… One life passing on giving way to another life coming into the world. If one believes in reincarnation, life and death is only the transfer of one’s karma from one embodiment into the next… I will get into that at another time…
Despite Dad’s embodiment dying, his spirit, his experience, strength and hope will continue to live on in those lives he has touched.
In the spirit of love & service,
Quoc Lam
Son, Brother, Friend, member of the Human Race
LIVING ON BORROWED TIME...
Hey Folks... Sorry it has taken me sooo long in getting back to y'all! It's been an amazing adventure in life for me since I've last blogged. I am very much grounded on the principles of living in gratitude, living in the moment, replacing my character defects with assets, being of service to those that I cross paths with... More importantly, I have been able to do the following, honor my needs and ask for what I want, set boundaries, saying "no" to others (saying yes to me), no being judgemental to myself, seeing the perfection in my progress, and looking in the mirror and identifying with the description of what you see in me: a loving, compassionate, patient, loyal, sexy, cute, fun, funny, and all around great guy to hang around with.
In the past month, I have had the opportunity to see a program I manage blossom into a great success! I get to take ownership in contributing to that success! I got to go on vacation to Hawaii (specifically the Island of Oahu). I spent more than 1/2 of my 6 nights in Hawaii in the rain, but I enjoyed the time off immensely! I came very close to relapsing... Goes to show how cunning, baffling, and powerful my disease of addiction can be... My Sponsor reminds the slippery actions I did showed my disrespect for the disease; my lack of gratitude for the sobriety that I have; and forgetting that this disease is progressive, terminal and fatal! It wants me dead, but it will settle for me miserable. The gift is that I got to be present through all that has arisen in the past month... And what was shared are only highlights from my life in the past month!!! I am sooo abundantly blessed! I am very clear on knowing that I am living on borrowed time… God asks me what I am doing with the moments that I get to be alive... And here is the huge lesson I have learned lately, being quiet with myself, doing absolutely nothing is TAKING CARE OF MYSELF! Moments of respite is being productive because I am giving myself time to regroup and reconnect with the truth of who I am, what I should be doing and be grateful for the gifts of my life.
So there you have it in a nutshell… I am doing good… I have a little over a month before I turn 3 years clean and sober! That in itself qualifies me as a miracle! E-mail me your thoughts sentiments yeah? I’d love to hear from those who read this blog….
Warmest Regards,
Quoc
