PEEVED AND HONORED
Talk about having a bag full of mixed feelings... So, I have been working really hard at my current job and have been finding that incredibly rewarding! The organization I am working for is having a holiday party to be held within the next month. Apparently there is this big to do about voting for the employee of the year. Hmmm... I didn't hear about it until one of the people within the organization pulled me into the office to inform me that he voted for me to be an employee of the year. Yes, I am deeply honored and humbled! I am just doing my job. A job that I really love doing... It has not been an easy ride to where I am; but boy am I growing and learning really fast! Anyway, the closer this event is getting, the more people are talking about this whole voting for the employee of the year thing. I don't quite know how to receive when people tell me that they are voting for me for the employee of the year award. The first feeling is oh crap, what do I have to do for this person as a result of their being sooo kind as to vote for me. Do I buy them something? Do I take them out to dinner or lunch? Then what I am realizing is that they are voting for me just because they feel I am deserving of this accolade. I don't quite know how to receive this news. So, I am learning to graciously receive the vote and say thank you. I earned this! So that is the honored feelings that I am getting; boy this is incredible considering where I came from!!!
Peeved... Why am I peeved; the very same person that is having a difficult time accepting a compliment or receiving praise from others is also peeved by another person's complaints. I have a co-worker that I personally feel has a venomous and very vindictive quality about her. It is scary quite frankly. Truth be told, nothing is really concealed though. She is complaining about my coming in from lunch late. My head goes immediately to defense mode. I immediately justify that I take my lunches late due to work! I also am also returning to the office after 1 pm not because I am running over on lunch but I am actually already back on the job and attending to priorities across the street! So, what do I need to do? Own my part... I need to be better at informing others that take their lunch at 1 PM that I am running late and give them piece of mind. Anyway, I am feeling better as a result of typing this out. I was peeved at first at how petty she is and accusing me of not being responsible and slacking on my job and taking long lunches etc... The truth I get is that eventhough I am not slacking on my job, I do need to be responsible with informing others when I am running late and also being prompt at returning when it's time for other people and their lunch times. It's not always about me! Phew... So, now I have to go and compose an e-mail apologizing for not being prompt and just own my part... Don't worry about the part where she makes a big fuss and takes it personally and gets ugly... If she chooses to be miserable, that is her baggage. I do not have to jump on that bandwagon....
Ok... I am looking forward to a great weekend! It's been a very long and challenging week full of work; work that I have successfully met the challenge of at every point! I have put forth my best effort with every given moment!
Thankful to be clean and sober one more day first and foremost and now graciously receiving all the other blessings in my life.
Regards,
Quoc
RETREAT
I am currently at the Men's Wellness Center. I just spent a whole day at the AHF Prevention & Testing Department 2004 Retreat event. I gained a whole lot of information. I only hope to play a role that is much more than just a spectator that I am for this retreat. There are great things that are going to happen with Prevention and Testing! We have indeed arrived as a department, but moreso, I believe this is only the tip of the iceberg! Anyway, what did I get out of today's event? I had an opportunity to view the vision and mission of the Prevention & Testing Department from a layperson's point of view. This is invaluable as a lot of times, we are sooo caught up in the activities of our jobs and the projects that we forget to look at the program and department in its most simple form.
What kinds of thoughts formed? Well... What is the role that Prevention & Testing Department plays? Well.... PREVENTION and TESTING. The question of whether we are fulfilling the duties and responsibilties that we named ourselves... Ok, we are offering testing, but to what extent are we offering prevention? Also, how does one offer prevention. Via advocacy! Via outreach and education! So, that message I heard real loud.
Also, there is the message of who are target population is... We call it the high risk population: those not practicing safer sex on a consistent basis; those IV drug users; and apparently those in other countries who sell blood! Wow! Again, I was able to think about our mission and what our duties and jobs should accommodate for.... the HIGH RISK population. Are we reaching that population? Those people that are at higher risk of becoming infected with an STD or HIV do not have the mentality that safer sex as a priority or consider the repurcussions of the consequences that may occur as a result of having risky behaviors. That is why it behooves us as a department to go out and reach those people who are not reaching out for help and are not proactive about educating oneself about safer sex etc ...
Ok... this is what happens when one spends a full day being motivated by the President of the organization, the Chief of Operations as well as the Director and supporting members of the organization and department. It's good stuff...
Besides this what all is happening in my life? I am feeling really badly about a forwarded e-mail that was sent to me... It was one of those chain mail hoaxes that I am deathly resistant to and strongly am offended by when sent to me... I got it and had a moment where I was "naive" enough to fall for it and forward the message to all the people that were in my e-mail address book. For those who received this e-mail, I do extend my deepest apologies! I really feel badly about one in particular: Keith!!! No!!!! I have been reading his website for sooo very long and have sent him e-mails with no reply. I kinda have this deep admiration for him and yes I am attracted to him eventhough I haven't met him in person! I am sooo infatuated with how articulate he is, how spiritual he is, how physically attractive he is.... Anyway, of all the e-mails that I get replied to he replied to this one where I sent him this crap e-mail. He replied with "I hate crap like this." OUCH!!! The one time I get acknowledged by him is totally negative! Sigh... He must have blocked my e-mail; gosh darn it I would block me... C'est la vie!
Anyway, talk about having quality problems. About a year and a half ago, I was paranoid over people crawling up walls like spiderman trying to kill me. I was 3-4 months behind on my car payment and had pretty much lost my car. I did not have money to buy gas. I did not have money for food. I was deep in credit card debt. I was homeless. I was 105 lbs. I was malnurished and dehydrated. I was mentally unstable and spiritually dead. No one had any desire to have me around; not my family, friends or other people. I was crazy!
This was my truth. Now I am thankful to really be in touch with the TRUTH of who I am. I am far from recovered. I have a lot to work on with regards to my self-esteem. My therapy session showed how much I still have to work on with my desire to feel physical intimacy and all the other perks that come along with it. Apparently, there are many barriers that come along with that... My fear of being rejected because I am HIV positive. The feelings that I have failed my mother and the tenet of keeping good health. My not being all together with my life by what my surroundings are. All this led to the conclusion with the help of my therapist this is why I am feeling conflicted with being intimate with anyone... I haven't been intimate with another person for awhile now... I really miss that... I really feel badly about that.... I have desires to have intimacy, but there is the feelings that I don't deserve the intimacy that I desire... Yeah.. I am all over the place!
At least I am progressing... Life is getting better...
Ok... I have to refocus on work... Thank you all for being patient, supportive of me and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Quoc
DUCKS CAN'T WALK WITHOUT BOBBING ITS HEAD
Just checking in... Yes I am busy! Yes, life is good... Yes, I am clean and sober for 18 months and 1 day!!! Wahoo!!! I am very very proud of myself. I wasn't feeling like this yesterday, but because I stayed in the moment and I didn't pick up and use any mind altering substance, I GET to experience the emotional high that I am right now. What did I do that changed my feelings? I had mini meetings via the telephone with two wonderful people in the program last night! A youngin' with 7 years in the program and then a separate phone call with someone who is very young at heart but has over 24 years clean and sober! Wow!!!! That is sooo amazing!!! The conversation allowed me to feel not so bad about myself, share about my experiences and also relate to what they were sharing and know that I am not a bad person... Yes, I know, but a lot of times, I don't
know that I am not a bad person... Just sick... That is why there is a program that teaches me to work a program that will curb the craving of the body and the obsession of the mind, and the malady of the spirit.
Anyway, I gotta get back to work!!! I feel great in this given moment... I know I still have some self-esteem issues to work with and to continue doing self-nurturing things. What did I do today? I spent $33 on clothes and videotapes and 2 pillows for myself. It was not easy plopping that money down for myself! I would give away $20 or more in an instant to someone in the program that needs it, but I would never think of spending money that will warm my insides up and make me feel loved, cared for and nurtured! I am glad I did it! I am still feeling some guilt for spending money, hard earned money that I deserve to spend on myself! Just not all of it aye?
Ok, really gotta go... I am doing really well!!! Thank you everyone for your continued support, love, thoughts and prayers.... Stay in touch with me, because I may forget to do likewise with you as promptly as both of us would like!
Regards,
Quoc
READ!!! AIDS MARATHON & MY SIS
Hey all, I am humbled and proud to inform those who do not know that my sister is running in the AIDS Marathon! In doing this, she needs to raise $3,000.00 to help put a dent in the fight for treatment and a cure for AIDS. Here is her plug and a link to the site to support her in this cause! By the way, did y'all know that I am living with HIV? I am sooo proud to have such a loving and coolio sister! Here is the plug:
Thank you for visiting my AIDS Marathon Donation Page:
http://www.aidsmarathon.com/participant.asp?runner=LA-4632&EventCode=HN04 As you can see, I am training for the 2004 Honolulu, which will take place on December 12th, 2004. Since June, I've run nearly 500 miles in a six-month training program put on by the National AIDS Marathon. It's an exciting journey. And even though I'll be getting up at the crack of dawn (the gun goes off at 5AM to begin the race!), and I may have my share of aches and pains, I know it will be worth it.
Did you know that more than one million Americans, and 40 million others around the world, are now living with HIV -- the virus that causes AIDS? And Los Angeles has the second highest number of people living with AIDS in the nation. So the money I raise will benefit AIDS Project Los Angeles. APLA provides food banks, transportation, home health care and other vital services — to help keep people alive until there's a cure.
This is such a worthy cause. This is my way of fighting for my loved ones and the AIDS/HIV community. I would like to ask for your support. I have made a personal commitment to raise at least $3,000. Any contribution you can make would mean a great deal to me. Contributions are tax-deductible and will make a huge difference in the lives of thousands of people living with AIDS.
Thanks for your generous support.
Love,
Chin Lam
THANK YOU G.O.D.
The day is barely 1/2 over and I have learned sooo much just from putting my perception of the truth out to the universe. I received the TRUTH from those people I count on as a part of my support group. Thank you "D,""P,""E," and all of those people that helped me in a moment when I needed an answer! I love my HP!!! Here is the answer I received....
So I asked for help… I shared my story honestly and basically turned it over to my G.O.D. I received an answer that I can apply from this point forth… What happened to my honoring the message that I receive every morning on the cell? Step up to the plate by Karen Mall. It means to be professional… To do my job to the best of my ability…
In applying the program, it suggests that I pray for willingness to be of service to other people in the best way possible. Especially “J” and “L.” I am to place my sobriety first, then when I am at work, the project that I am working on as paramount, then my job and responsibilities and then everything else… I am to be honest.. Not judge… Stay on my side of the street and keep my side of the street clean. I am to pray to my HP to show me where I need to make amends where I need to if I need to, then to continue progressing and do the best I can JUST FOR TODAY. That is all I am responsible for.
So, be of service, do my best in the responsibilities I have, do not judge others or expect anything from others, own my part, do my part, and ask HP to show me where I need to make amends where applicable.
Thank you HP! I will give you folks more details when opportunity presents itself! I just have soooooooooo much work to do!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc
4 PATIENTS!!! Yayee!!!
Exciting stuff... I am able to be a part of a clinic that has helped 4 more patients today! Hoorah for the Men's Wellness Center. An ingenius idea! How am I feeling today? I had a full day. I woke up at about 6:05 AM to leave by 7 AM to purchase my bus sticker for the month. I give thanks for the ability to pay for my own bus sticker. Yesterday, I went to a cool meeting in the evening! At 6 PM, there were over 30 guys huddled in the courtyard of plummer park in west hollywood for a meeting. It was windy and cold; there the guys were, just like me; willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober! I was able to share about my experience. What ended up happening in the evening for my Halloween? Went over to Target, bought bodywash and dishwashing liquid... Then I walked home on Santa Monica Blvd. as I watched a parade of jammed cars trying to get as near to one of the largest halloween celebrations in the world. Over 100,000 people were reported to show for the festivities... what did I do? I took a right on my street and walked home... What proceeded for this crazy addict? Normality: laundry... cooked a meal for myself for the next two days... Picked up my room... Had dinner and that pretty much took me til 11 PM.. Now that is with the extra hour added on from Daylights Saving's Time ending.
That is the beauty of recovery. I get to do normal things... After a normal productive day, I get to lay my head down on my pillow feeling tired from a productive day and not one of wreckage. I get to feel good about not having done something destructive to myself and to another party. I really give thanks for that!!!
I have 3 sponsees... These are the people that I am helping guide through the 12 steps as well as share my experience strength and hope with them! Who would ever think (certainly not me a year or so ago) that someone like me would offer some hope to another person in recovery!
Ok.. I have to start assisting in the shut-down process of the clinic. I really move into gratitude taht I haven't had the craving to use drugs.... I have thoughts every now and then, such things are a part of the mind of an addict..... I just don't have to act on it!
I am thankful... Thank you all for your support, thoughts and prayers...
With deep gratitude,
Quoc
