AAAARGH!!!!
I need to be asleep soon... I have a full day ahead of me and a full week ahead of me... I must take a moment to share some feelings...
What I am feeling is "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!" I am frustrated, angry, sad, lonely, tired, and impatient!!!
I am sooo self-centered. I will try to get out of myself even more so by calling others and asking how they are feeling and taking time to listen to their shares. I will let them make the decision to hang up and not be the one to initiate it because I feel they are too busy for me or that I am not worth their time.
Tonight, I got to give a friend a birthday cake for 1 year of sobriety! Apparently, because I reached out to him one year ago, gave him the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous and embraced him. He stayed. He brought the well used big book and showed me the front cover... I had written in there... Keep coming back... Take it one day at a time... One step at a time... and I asked him to call me 12/16/06 when he turned one year. Who would've thought that one year later that I would get to bring him the pom poms that I promised him. Wow... I am very thankful for getting to receive sooo much gratitude from my friend. I love him... He is quite the "Superman."
I left early from this meeting to go to my regular late night Thursday meeting that I just picked up a literature commitment. I got there to be greeted by my best friend "A...." I am sooo thankful for the love he has for me and the friendship he consistently sends me... I get to practice receiving this love gracefully and accept it fully. It is very hard for me to receive love from those who care for me. There is a lot of love and care for me... I clearly am very very very unaccustomed to receiving that love... That part of me that is self-deprocating and self-loathing still speaks louder than the voices and embraces of those that love me. It tells me that I am not worth the love they are giving... I don't even know how to receive the love... Sigh... I am getting better at it...
I raised my hand because I was in sooo much pain even for a 2nd burning desire... The Secretary of the meeting shared about this time of the year being "tricky" because of the Holidays... Man oh man is he right on... I am a manifestation of those feelings making for a tricky holiday for an alcoholic/addict like myself.
I took the 2 minute burning desire and shared... I cried... I shared about being angry and frustrated. I shared about coveting those who share about having parents and loved ones to visit. I shared about being angry at those people who had parents and bitched and moaned about their relationships when I don't have parents to bitch and moan about...
I shared about being pissed off about being HIV positive and not getting to be with my sisters halfway around the world to visit our extended family and grandmother... I didn't clarify that I was upset about not being welcome into the country because of my HIV status.
I shared about being angry at myself for not being a good, grateful, gracious alcoholic who has a message of hope, cheer, and uplifting spirit... All I have is me just the way I am right now... In pain.... grieving the loss of my parents during the holidays... Saddened that my sisters are halfway around the world. Ungrateful for the sober family that I get to embrace. Angry about the job that I have that only allows me to barely pay off my bills and have but a few bucks to spend, literally!!!
I shared about wanting to take the Holidays and shove it in the microwave and speed it up... I would love nothing less than to plow throught the Holidays... I want the Holidays over with!!!
Right after the share, I felt like I had just opened up a wound... I was bleeding, exposed, emotional, vulnerable.... I had just exposed a very emotional and "weak" side of myself to my sober family. I may have scared some people by doing this; alas, I was sharing for myself... I needed to share because of my burning desire and extreme pain... I took contrary action and just put it out there... I remember when I kept to myself how I ended up high on crystal meth... Let's not have that again.
At the conclusion of the meeting, I received no less than three invitations to be with the families of my sober brothers and sisters. They were sincere and genuine offers. I felt like some sad charity case that others were guilt tripped into extending their generosity and love to. It was most uncomfortable... I did not want to be the "pity party" that people had to go to comfort and make feel better. Oh I was sooo embarrassed by my share up on the podium. My pride and ego were saying, "how could you embarrass yourself like this and make yourself look foolish and weak up in front of everyone... No one wants to hear your whining! Just shut up, sit down and get over your sorry ass." Boy talk about my head being out to get me... As they say, the disease is centered in the mind... I need to travel 12 inches down to where my heart is, where my spirit lies, and my Higher Powers... that place that beats steadily and tells me what is really going on... That place that away from my head and quiet enough for me to hear the whispers of my higher power...
I fell into the arms of my girlfriend in the meeting "A....." She just held me... She let me hold her and didnt let go... I just held onto her... I let my chin fall onto her shoulder and buried myself into her hair... It didn't feel awkward.... I wept... She just held me... I started pushing away... Then wrapped my arms around her... I think before I left, I had wrapped my arms around her and received the same loving embrace about half a dozen times...
I left for home... I just got done eating and watching some episodes of Voyager... Tomorrow, I get to take a friend to the airport before launching full speed ahead to get some very important reports completed at work before I head over to walk the Golden Retriever I will be dog-sitting for the next week...
I ask for the willingness to just feel the feelings and walk through everything I am going through clean and sober; one day at a time... one step at a time...
Quoc
OF MOURNING DEATH & CELEBRATING LIFE...
So, I will be incommunicado for a couple weeks... I actually have been incommunicado for a few weeks... Just wanted to give you folks a heads up!!! Perhaps the next time I give you an update, it will already be 2007!
This past month has been filled with sooo much life... There has been drama, death, challenges, and celebration...
Work: Continues to be a challenge as I continue to be of service in my current role and take a gamble on making a dream come true of becoming a Training Manager for HIV testing Counselors. The outgoing Director and myself are still NOT on speaking terms. It is such a shame... As much as I dislike her as a manager and leader, I appreciate her friendship and just being another human being trudging through life... I don't think she sees that. That is none of my business... There is a part of me that is tired of subsisting on living paycheck to paycheck... I am ready to earn some money and have some savings to put in the piggy bank and to spend on a trip for vacation... I currently don't have the luxury of that... Oh hell, I don't even have the luxury of going out to a nice restaurant every now and then... I am counting my pennies and very very mindful of every dollar I spend to make sure I have enough to cover the mandatory bills!
Recovery: Continues to be strong... I am taking chances and living a life that recovery has brought me: friendship, fun, self-love, laughter, intimacy, and camaraderie. It's been really nice... I have moments when my head talks to me and tries to sabotage. As I remember that the disease centers in the mind/head; I must remember to move 12 inches down from my mind to my heart where my Higher Power and solution lays. I look outward to others for solution and love. I am thankful for having that tool; I am proud of self for using that tool! Although, I have bad moments; I give thanks for the good days and great moments. I am mindful that going out or acting on my addiction will lead to 100% bad days and moments!
Other highlights:
This past Saturday, 12/16/06, I was invited to attend a service in support of a friend. His grandmother had just passed away. The occasion was mixed with happy and melancholy moments... I couldn't help but think about my Mom and Dad and their lives, their passing away, and the impact they had on my life and those that loved them... I cried with the friends and family who were their to share stories of how this woman affected their life. I kept hearing a common theme: love, laughter, and a spirit who had a zest for life! I was very inspired to hear about this woman's past... Here is a woman who had an unending supply of love for all around her when she grew up not receiving love. I am inspired to live a life that is one of continued outpour of love to others, service to others, and just being remembered as someone who did indeed have a zest and zeal for life and all the gifts it brings sad, happy and otherwise.
This past Thursday, 12/21/06, I took Judy, Chin and Fiance Micol to LAX. They are currently in Vietnam visiting with the family. I am saddened by the fact that I am not there with my sisters. I am saddened that circumstances don't warrant for better relations within and between the family back in Vietnam and myself. I am saddened that my parents are not here during the Holidays and my sisters are halfway around the world. That leaves me for the first time without contact with my family during the Holidays... This is really really hard... No matter how much sharing I do and reaching out; there is a deep void within me that yearns for the embrace, laughter and love of the unity of 5 members of the Lam family: Dad, Mom, Son, and two sisters... This Holiday, it's "son." I feel oh sooo alone... I am reaching out to my sober family... My sobriety brothers and sisters have extended their invitations. My attitude is just not one of embracing what they have to offer. I am grateful for what they are extending, but I want what is unattainable; thus, the solemn mood I am in...
Last week, I celebrated 6 months clean and sober, one day at a time... I am grateful for that... I am able to deflect those individuals who come up to me shocked and disappointed that I relapsed... I stay in the solution and go to where the love is... These past 6 months have been very meaningful with deep experiences flourishing my life... As a new friend of mine in recovery shared: "I am feeling everything intensely."
Up & coming:
I will be pretty preoccupied for the next week with work and being of service. I won't be home often as I get to house and dog-sit for a friend. He is going home for the Holidays... I am honored that I have become someone to whom someone has entrusted not just his home, but also his canine companion under my care. I am excited about getting to spend time with Cody the Golden Retriever. He is a VERY clever dog!!! I am gonna have a lot of fun hanging out with Cody... I only dread the fact that these past few days and the following days will be filled with cold weather! It won't be fun walking the dog and picking up his poo in the cold weather... I can already visualize the steam rising from the poo in the cold weather... Sorry, that was a bit graphic! LOL...
As such, I won't be around home much and will be bouncing between my home, my friends home, work and meetings... That is gonna be a full day and evening everyday for a week!!!
I should be doing better the first week of January as I have scheduled vacation time... I won't be going anywhere, but I will certainly be appreciating the down-time to play house and clean house and relax and work on redoing my 8th step... starting on the 9th step and the rest of the steps so that I may be in a position to sponsor!!! I have this hungry need to be of service in the capacity of carrying a message as I know that really has helped reinforce my own sobriety when I sponsored!
I have had many inspirational moments when I wanted to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard rather, but I haven't taken a moment to do that... I am in the midst of re-evaluating my life yet once again... Oh yeah, did I mention that I am getting a blast from the past from all kinds of people finding me from this blog and from my silly simple myspace account? I have been e-mailed by a couple high school classmates checking in... I have yet to get in touch with them... We'll see how that goes...
Cheers... If I don't get a chance... Happy Holidays and have a safe New Year!!! I will be in touch soon... Thank you for your prayers, friendship, support, phone calls, e-mails and just love, love, love!!!
Warmest regards,
Quoc
STEP 7 = HUMILITY = GOD HELP ME...
This blog isn’t really so much for anyone to read; rather it is an opportunity for me to write this for my own self to read as I have been blessed with an amazing experience at my Tuesday night recovery meeting…
The speaker defined a “bottom” as something I lost or will lose that is more important than the drug or drink I was doing. That is sooo powerful! Sooo simplistic… It’s shares like this that make me want to be an unfaithful sponsee because I can only imagine the kind of solution the individual has to share if we had the intimate relationship that only can be shared between a sponsor and sponsee…
The speaker also spoke of humility… I had a rush of my own thoughts, experiences and interpretations of humility when I was listening to the speaker. He spoke of phrasing to God, “Do you got it?” meaning do you have the very matter that is going on in my life in good hands and handled? And God would look down with the most calm, confident and gentle demeanor and respond, “I got it.” I felt humility equals relinquishing my control… the opposite of arrogance and prideful… being able to take a side step from center stage of any issue or life event and give it over to God and ask Him to take care of it… And asking is only for me to hear as God has been, is and will always be handling my matters… So long as I am willing to turn it over to my Higher Power.
I thought about how my Higher Power works in my life… When I surrender and take the next indicated step and not try to figure out the next indicated step, then I am privy to some amazing gifts! My Higher Power has been here along trying to teach me… Quoc, if you open up a space in your life for me, I will fill it. I took steps and opened up a parking space… Eventually it was filled with a car. I took steps to rent a bedroom from my sober living a couple years ago… Within 1 -2 months, it was filled with a bed, then TV and the other wonderful blessings in my life…
As I have moved into my current studio, the open spaces that I don’t stand in the way of or try to fill myself automatically fill with ease! I currently am working on clearing out the paper clutter on a table that sits where a couch or sofa could be sitting… I truly believe that if I take the steps and open that space up, God again will find a way to fill it with something wonderful and inviting…
I can’t wait for the moment a 2 – 3 seat recliner couch/sofa is brought into my studio as I will be entertaining guests and asking people to come over and watch movies with etc… Here I am trying to get ahead of myself and want the cart before the horse…
So, right now I am in cloud nine… This person who spoke tonight, I have a crush on… He carried an amazing message that lifted me… I met him at this very meeting when I came back into the rooms from my relapse. I had 2 days clean and sober when I met him. I had an old-timer friend who sat next to me and tried to cheer me up and continues to do so to this day. I love these men in my life. They are my saviors. They are the very tangible extensions of love coming from my Higher Power.
I had a very clear idea of the direction I wanted to head in about a month ago… Within a week, everything had changed and seemed dreary… I humbly asked for help from my sponsor and my support group in and out of recovery. I was able to walk through it in the past week. This week, things are more tolerable… I have the opportunity to train again all of this week. I am taking time out in really learning the material and doing the best I can in teaching this material to the counselors in the class. I am actually confident and okay with the opportunity I have to learn to teach and make mistakes, learn from the mistakes and not beat myself up for making mistakes with this experience being my 2nd time ever doing an HIV 101 training course. That is great progress!!!
Tonight, I am in gratitude for the gifts of people and the opportunity to live and feel and grow from today’s experiences. Thank you God for the wonderful gifts you have brought for me… Clean and sober one more day, the opportunity to be of service, and one more day to move a little closer to what you created me to be in the first place… Perfectly Quoc just the way I am and just the way I am not. God help me surrender my will and my life to you... Thank you for your patience when I reluctantly turn it over to you... God, help me be ok with not knowing and know that I am not doing it alone. Let me walk through feeling the feelings and be able to walk through it and face it with courage rather than with cowardice. Let me constantly trust that whatever is happening right now is a means to the greatest good to myself, others and just the overall process...
God, do you got it? God says, Son, yes I got it… You just carry on… I am so proud of you. You are doing so great! I love you.
With humility and gratitude,
Quoc
