WAITING TO GRADUATE?
Hey folks,
Sorry I haven't been in touch... I am going to continue to affirm to give updates. As they say, inspiration knows no schedule. It pops up when it does. Alas, those few times it has popped up, I am either on the road, at work, or anywhere near a cpu with internet access nor did I have the time to sit and type in a blurb. What I am learning whilst in recovery is baby steps. So, I will take a moment to comment on an inspiring thought in meditation on my way to work.
I am placing certain parts of my life on hold in hopes that I will be prepared to engage in those activities as a result of completing the 12 steps of recovery. A few examples are intimate relations with others; dating; seeking other employment; and just living life outrageously. I walk with precaution and with reservation.
Something questioned this way of living this morning... It asked me why am I waiting to graduate from something such as the 12 steps of the program before being willing to receive blessings? The universe is ready to bless me in every moment; my door has to be open to receive all the blessings. With my attitude of "I am not ready yet" and "I am but a Jedi apprentice in training," I am indeed closing my life to the sunlight of the spirit and all the blessings that come therein. I am missing out on life when it presents itself because I am sending out energy that deflects those blessings.
Today, I pray and ask for God's help in doing the following:
1) for God to help open my eyes long enough to see the blessings coming my way and open the door to receive those blessings
2) for God to quiet my mind long enough to hear God's whispers in my heart
3) to realize that just for today, progress is my perfection; to love the progress that I have made today...
4) God to give me courage to complete the 12 steps (prayer day 11 of 45)
5) God to help me extend love and compassion to myself and those around me
6) God to help those still suffering (alcoholic and non-alcoholic alike) to get better
7) God to remove my fears of financial insecurity
8) God to help me see and act on the importance of taking care of my physical health (exercise, eating better)
I affirm to do work for these things that I pray for... I give thanks to God for blessing me with a loving family (sisters and father and mom (in heaven)); amazing sponsor; food to eat; clean clothes to wear; a home I can come home to; safe passage to wherever I travel to throughout the day; a job that I am considered a valued employee; loving friends in the recovery rooms; life saving meds that keep me healthy... these are just a few of the blessings that I remember to give thanks for... I remember to want the things I have right now rather than complain about all the things I don't want... I remember that I have everything that I need rather than being upset about all the things I "want."
I ask God to quiet my mind long enough so I may hear the TRUTH of the question of whether I should be waiting for completion of the 12 steps before engaging in certain life activities. Instantly the answer from God is to just trust and have faith and not question but to keep the door open and try my best in staying sober one more day and doing the footwork in moving towards sanity from my alcohol"ISM" which is an acronym for "I Sponsor Myself" or "I, Self, and Me." In essence thinking I can do it rather than asking for God's help, your help and to turn my will and my life over the care of God... So, no don't wait for graduation from anything, just keep an open door policy with God... JUST FOR TODAY.
Greatfully,
Quoc
OUR MOST PRECIOUS PICTURES...
Here is a picture taken by my Sis' boyfriend of our family... Thank you Michael for being a part of this moment. I didn't know Friday, June 24, 2005 was the last time our family was going to be in the same room together... These pictures are priceless to me... This is a family that has gone through trials and tribulations of life. From my family to yours, thank you for your continued love and support...
Picture is first of 2 taken of 5 of us... Can you tell who the proud High School Grad is?
Judy%27s%20Graduation%202005%20079.jpgMom attempts to smile in the picture with the 5 of us...
Judy%27s%20Graduation%202005%20080.jpgI am sooo proud of Mom... My sister Chin describes my Mom with one word... "STEADY".. I couldn't agree more. I am sooo honored to be her son...
Judy%27s%20Graduation%202005%20081.jpgHusband and Wife hold hands for the last time in this world. Mom tells that they will ascend to heaven and meet each other there.
Judy%27s%20Graduation%202005%20082.jpgUpon hearing about my Mother's passing Sunday afternoon, June 26, 2005, I went to a recovery meeting in San Francisco. I looked up and saw a sign that was posted up on the wall. "God uses all gifts for Big Purposes..." I find comfort seeing that God is taking Mom to a place where she serves a greater purpose!!! I still miss her dearly...
CHECKING IN... MOM IS NO LONGER IN PAIN...
Hey folks… I have been experiencing extreme spirituality, gratitude, serenity, acceptance, love…. But simultaneously the extreme opposite of what was mentioned in the past week and half.
I will keep this brief. I am sure I will be more grounded in my mind and my life will get back into more of a routine as time progresses…
Thursday, June 23, 2005… I get to be a part of Judy’s graduation ceremony. I am sooo proud of her. I go to recovery meeting at Van Ness Recovery House.
Friday, June 24, 2005… I get to show up at UCLA Medical Center where all 5 of us convene in the same room…. Dad, Mom, Chin, Judy and myself. Judy dons her graduation gown and takes a picture with Mom. All 5 of us pose for pictures being taken by the social worker and the Doctor. The Doctor shares Mom’s prognosis… that there is nothing more that can be done for Mom and now is the time to make Mom comfortable in the weeks that she has left to live. Judy and Dad hear this for the first time. Mom gets transferred to the hospice care in West Covina… I drive out there as well… It’s a long 2 hour haul out there in traffic!!! I stay for about 30 minutes to feed Mom soup… By 6:46PM, I have to depart to pick up a Van Ness resident to a recovery meeting. Elections are held and I pass the secretary torch onto the next individual. I drive 3 people home after meeting. I pack and prepare for tomorrow’s flight to San Francisco to assist with the Pride festival... Sleep…
Saturday, June 25, 2005… My friend David picks me up… We go to breakfast and he takes me to Burbank airport for my 11AM flight out to Oakland. During breakfast, I all of a sudden become very aware of the passing of time and how swift and kinetic it is…. I am very conscious of the presence of time. I rendezvous with AHF crew and we fly out to Oakland… Arrive to chilly and hazy Oakland and await taxi to San Francisco. I call sponsor and a few friends just to check in. I enjoy the rest of the day with the crew of AHF. Saturday evening is crazy with social gatherings…. I notice that one does not enjoy the environment as much without being a part of the majority of the folk on the street who are either high or drunk. My friend/co-worker and I stroll and get back home. I meet up with a couple of guys and dance til 2-3AM at a local asian bar… It was a blast!!! I felt sooo attractive and had sooo much fun!
Sunday, June 26, 2005… Wake by 7:30AM to breakfast and to assist with setting up for the Pride March… It’s a lot of work. I work diligently and have a lot of fun while I am at it! Pictures are taken… the experience was amazing! Apparently over a million people were there. Just before we marched, I receive phone calls from Lilian (cousin) about 10:50AM trying to find Mom’s hospice to visit her. I give them directions to the hospice. By 11:30AM, I receive another phone call from Lilian telling me that Mom is bleeding out of the nose and the blood looks black… Mom is having a hard time breathing. She encourages me to visit Mom. I share that I am in San Francisco… I immediately call Chin at home and on cell to ask her to check on Mom. I worry… Something bad is about to happen… At 1:30PM after the parade while I am assisting with taking down the banners etc from the march, I receive a phone call from Chin… Chin shares that by the time she arrived, Mom had no pulse.. She passed away at 12:51PM… The nurses said peacefully and as if she went to sleep… I fall apart upon hearing the news. My recovery friends are there to support as are the normie co-workers… They spring into action and arrange for a flight home for me; to transport me back to the hotel ASAP. I call oodles of people to share of my loss… I am sobbing uncontrollably…. I am in shock… I am angry… I am sad… I feel guilty…. I feel ashamed.. more anger… more extreme waves of sadness hits me… It was all sooo very sudden…
I get to hotel to pack… I talk to Chin some more… She tells me that I do not need to go home immediately… Everything is being taken care of…. I really don’t want to go home… I want to wake up and realize this is all but a bad dream… I don’t want to go home and face this… I finally get to talk to sponsor who tells me to 1) stay sober 2) find somewhere quiet to just be with self 3) be gentle with myself 4) focus on task at hand… I walk to pool and sit and journalize…. I cry and sob into my knees…. It’s sooo beautiful…. The whole city of San Francisco right in front of me… the sun is out… Mom had just died hours ago and I am hundreds of miles away... I go back to hotel and sleep…. I wake up to walk to Burger King and eat… Then I go to a recovery meeting in San Francisco… I cried... People cried with me…. I am receiving phone calls from people who received my desperate cries for help… I will not have checked them until I get home Monday afternoon… My cell phone is not charged and dying... I go to Castro to honor self and desires and goals I made when coming to pride. Suffice it to say, I had some fun...
Monday, June 27, 2005… I wake to have breakfast with coworkers and get ready to be picked up by limousine back to Oakland airport… That was fun… Ride back… I really do not want to go home and face the music… So many feelings… Back on plane and on the ground by 3:40PM. My Friend David picks me up and takes me home… It’s nice to see him again… I get home… I immediately drop my bags and head out the door in my car to visit with my sis to see what needs to be done… We meet at a Funeral Home… Plans are being made…
Ok… I am going to have to finish the timeline at a later time.. I am very sleepy right now… Suffice it to say, there is plenty of drama that happens throughout the week…. What I am mindful of is sobriety is my primary purpose. I went to a meeting every day after Monday flight back home…. I am still on my everyday meeting since… I have thrown myself into the program even harder… I am being of service, I am sharing, I am crying, I am calling people… floods of people call in support of me… It’s been an amazing journey… I will share more when I get a chance to sit at peace….
I will take time out to write a special thank you to all those who have supported my family in this time of loss and Mom’s transition…. I am free from worrying as to whether Mom is in pain… I get to speak to her every night when I pray. I am sooo proud of Mom… I love Mom sooo much. Because I stayed sober, I got to show up and hear Mom share her gratitude, her fears, her finally saying that she has no regrets and share her last requests for me to honor in her passing…
Good night for now….
Quoc
