Quoc's Web Journal

RAIN, WIND, THUNDER...

No, I am not reading from an X-Men script for Storm! :-) It's really pouring out there... I mean sheets of rain. Money can't buy the secure feeling from being in an enclosed vehicle: dry, warm, protected from the merciless elements manifested by Mother Earth. Alas, I don't have such a luxury yet, but I am grateful! I have an extra large umbrella! Granted, I could've been blown away, but I wasn't. I am still wet from the waist down due to the winds blowing the rain into the exposed parts. A water proof trench coat would be nice...

So, besides that, how have I been? Challenged!!! I really have the burning desire to secure the computer that is in storage at my friend's down in Torrance. I feel the need to blog!!! I am writing in my journal every evening, but for some reason, I have the need to post these blogs. I am going through a turbulent time in my life. I am trying not to be a "drama-mama" about it. I have been withdrawn, down on the situations surrounding me. I suppose, this would be one medium, I am still a bit more willing to express myself in rather than in the presence of another person... I am doing it... I don't want to, but I am because I know it means doing things that will put me in a position to continue along my path or recovery or RELAPSE!!

So, I have a couple minutes to share what is going on...

1) I am on the verge of making attempts to reconnect with Dad, tell him I love him, forgive him and be of service to him and be there for him. I need to do this while Dad is still around. I had dinner with a friend in the program on Sunday night... He asked me a question. Do I love my Dad? I was surprised and not surprised when I answered, yes I love my Dad. He suggested I read page 99 in the 12x12 and recite the prayer in there. I have been doing that each evening. I didn't take time to do it this morning. I do have it in mind.

2) I am conflicted with Mom's situation. She is blind in one eye and losing her sight in the other eye. Since Dad has been hospitalized, she has no source of income. She is scared, but managing to implement solutions. It's not perfect, but she is doing it. I feel guilty for not being more available for her.

3) Leads into my personal feelings that I am a failure. I am only making a limited amount of money. I am barely surviving on my own... I would like to help with finances with Mom, but I can't. An old timer this past Saturday made an obvious point - I can't do what my Mother would like for me to do, and that is the TRUTH! Why am I trying to twist the TRUTH of where I am? This is the the reality of this given moment; work with what I have. Trust and have faith in my Higher Power. Feel whatever I am feeling, but not for too long... Move into solution.

4) Sucks not to have money!!! Money certainly is not flowing like it used to, but neither am I a surgical technician any longer. I am also not holding down 2-3 jobs. I am doing well in this given moment... Again, things are happening not in the order that I am hoping for; or I am not prioritizing in a manner that would allow for things to happen in Spirit's way, not my way...

Ok... time is up... I am glad I shared. I am thankful that I have progressed in my recovery in learning how to live sober. In writing this entry, I see that I did move into solution and not wallow in the problem. Perfect? Far from it, but progressing? Absolutely! I am one step closer to perfection than I was a day ago, or a week ago!

Conclusion, because I have stayed clean and sober from any mind-altering substances, I get to learn from these mistakes and grow!

Gotta jam... Keep me in your prayers and thoughts folks!!!

Best regards for Happy Holidays and a safe and Merry New Year!!!

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 8:41 AM              E-mail me! 0 comments

OLD CHINESE QUOTE: "NO TIME TO FART"

Yes, "no time to fart." That about puts everything in a nutshell with the status of my life. I have been working mad overtime with my regular work schedule and serving as acting Project Coordinator for the Men's Wellness Centers with AIDS Healthcare Foundation. So, I was pushing over 55 hours/week. I decided to take on another project: entering survey information into the database for our "Stop the Sores" campaign. That will put me over the 60 hour/week mark!!! This is only temporary, but it has been temporary for the past 2 months!!! I really do see an end in sight. Here is the sad thing, because I am working for non-profit, my wages still place me in the low-income to poverty stricken level! Eek!!! I am betting on being of service with hopes that the karma will reciprocate one day, one way, and certainly my way.

I am responding because I have an old time friend named Keith out in Chicago who e-mailed me last week wondering where in the heck I have been and how the heck I am doing. Today, I received a message from my co-worker at the Main Office informing me that Todd called and left his contact information; this is Todd in Arizona!!! Wow!!! You guys really notice when I am not present. Thank you for noticing; thank you for caring; thank you for reaching out and reeling me back in.

I read in the 12-step Big Book that abuse of alcohol and drugs is but a symptom of my insanity. One has to look at causes and conditions after resisting that first drink/drug. For me, it's manifesting in other addictive behavior: work, television, making a mess of my room, sleeping, ad infinitum. The behavior itself may not be unhealthy; as a matter of fact the activities I am doing are very healthy, but only if done in moderation! Remembering that I am an addict of the hopeless variety, I accept that I do have a tendency in taking "any" behavior to extremes! One is too many and a thousand is never enough!

In accepting, I can turn it over to my Higher Power and continue trudging this road to happy destiny. I realize that it took me a bit of time to become the overindulging glutton; it will take time to unlearn/relearn healthier behavior... Progress towards perfection, not instant perfection. I do have tendencies when I do want to microwave my recovery or microwave any process that takes time to achieve.

Alas, I digressed... I just wanted to check in and let y'all know that I am doing okay. I want to take the time to thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I want to thank you for reaching out and staying in touch and reminding the addict in me of the important things in life: relationships with friends, family and loved ones; spiritual, physical, and mental health and really taking time to enjoy the simple things in life... breath of life, blue skies, the scent of freshly baked bread. It is with the love and support of incredible folk like Keith, Josh, Todd and the multitude of people who continue to stay in touch that I continue to live clean and sober one more day!

I have to get back to my work, but I am working on getting a computer at home so I may journalize, place it on disk, then bring it to work to upload onto the internet... I will provide details of all the blessings in my life in the future to come. In the meanwhile, thank you for being blessings in my life. I give thanks for each of you every evening when I pray.

with deepest gratitude,

quoc@quoclam.com

PS - Chin, I am sooo proud of you for accomplishing the amazing feat of running 26.2 miles in 6.5 hours in Honolulu!!!

posted by Quoc @ 9:39 AM              E-mail me! 1 comments